Don't hate me because I am not who you think I am.

Hate me because I have wonderful people in my life.
Not a lot, but at least I have a friend who nvr gives up one me, no matter what happen.
And right from the start, people never really take the time to know the real me.

Some people just have no idea how hard am I struggling in my life. A lot of times, seeing those youngster suicide's news make me feel that life is so fragile. If only, death will end all the problems and trouble.. Then I think I will go die too. But, I think that it will cause more trouble, I have too much things to worry abt and can't let go. Sometimes, I rly hate my habit of bottling things up. But at the same time, I hate to share my problems with ppl. I don't want to bother them with my problems and I hate to let ppl know too much things abt me. So, often ppl only know the 'what-I-choose-to-show-out-to-ppl' side of me, not a lot know the real me. I want to be happy always, but that's also the hardest thing to achieve. No matter how sad I am, I still hate to cry, esp in front of ppl. Not a lot ppl have seen me crying in front of them, even if I want to cry, I'll hide in a place where no one can see me. I don't know why am I blogging all this, perhaps I just need a space to rant out all my feelings and thoughts. I wish I could go back to when I'm 5 years old, no troubles, no problem and no stress and all we could do is to play and sleep. I hate this kind of life where people just come to you when you have an advantage to them. Maybe I see things too impt, some things ain't worth for me to fight for, and some things are. The harder I try, the harder I fall. Too much disappointment. And honesty, I'm kinda scare to treat ppl too well and trust ppl alr, I don't want to end up being hurt. I'm tired of trying to fix everything that don't deserve for me to waste my energy and effort on. Time and time again, it's time that prove so many things right.

Do you think it's easy to be me? Have you ever try waking up early in the morning for school and after that go to work, 1 week only have 1 or 2 off days but it ain't really an off day. Maybe just after school, don't need to go work. And both weekends are working. Try it and tell me how does that feel? It's not a easy thing to maintain, esp when you see the ppl ard you can go hanging out with their friends, but you don't have any time for all this? Ppl say your friends will understand it, but how many of them actually understand it? They will just blame you for not meeting them and eventually end up drifting apart. It's so true that when shits happen, you know who are your real friends and who are not. A lot of times, I just fucking feel like giving it all up on working so hard, but giving up ain't as easy as it seems. I don't have the courage to give it up. Just too much things is making me so hard to breathe. My life is so happening sometimes that I don't know whether should I be happy or not? Because I know that if I can overcome all this, life will definitely gets better, because nothing is forever. And I rly hope that my dear mind can don't think so much sometimes, then I won't feel so fucked up. How I wish everything can remains the same, but the only thing that is constant is changes. Changes, I'm not afraid of it, I'm only afraid of time. Bacause time has show me too much cruel truth about life and ppl...

Okay, after typing all this, I feel so much better. I'm still the loud and noisy girl that everyone knows! Because I'm unstoppable. And I guess just it's better off this way, be tough and strong so that ppl won't want to come near me than they won't have the chance to hurt me. Then again, some ppl will think that I'm depress because of some BGR issue. Fuck you if you think that. I'm still trying hard to figure out this thing called life, I'm always trying to make others happy and myself too. Cuz I know and understand it doesn't feel good to be upset/sad....

And, THANK YOU ESTHER, FOR ALWAYS BEING THERE FOR ME.
You're like a gift from heaven too (: Love ya.

Xoxo, Arena.L

Withlotsoflove,