Life is so exhausting. I am drowning myself on alcohol and smoking my life away for 2 days alr. I know it's stupid, and it's not that I wanted to but that's the only way to make myself feel better. And I'm really tired, I need a break, for the past few weeks, every night I'm having nightmare... I'm tired of being brave, strong and fearless. I work like mad almost everyday during my term break... Yes, apart from money, another part of the reason is that I want to numb myself and keep myself busy so that I don't and won't have the time to think about how sucks my life is. Many ppl asked me that I think I'm a superwoman or what? why am I working so hard and I don't need to rest? It really puzzled me. I thought I'm a superwoman to everyone? Because everyone just expect so much from me. They always want me to be this, to do that and doesn't even bother or care about how I feel? So, why are they still asking me whether am I superwoman or not? Since to them, I'm alr like so bulletproof. No matter how well I do or how many right things I've done, no body sees it... But just 1 thing I done wrongly, all the faults and blame will be on me? Yes, nobody will notices what I do until I don't do it. Nobody notices how I feel until I don't care abt it. Nobody notices me until one day I'm really gone. I don't want it to be this way.... Why can't ppl just see how hard I'm trying and really appreciated what I'm done so far? I've scarifies so much for the pass 1 year plus and I really have nth else left... I really don't understand why? I don't know what am I suppose to do and feel about it anymore. I've been trying so hard for the past 1 year, trying to maintain everything in place, trying so hard to let my sister and brother feels that they are still loved even thought that our family may not be like other families, so lovely and complete. I really want them to feel loved and not giving up on themselves. I give my best in whatever I can, maybe taking a break now and then to do the things that what other teenagers did, like partying their life away. Ppl said that family will be there for you no matter what? Yes, I did, but I don't feel that anyone is there for me when I need them... I really miss those time when I'm young, I feel like the king of the world... Because when I cry, everyone is so concern abt me, and everyone will be there for me telling me not to cry.. But now? As I grow older.. When I cry, I feel like I'm at the bottom of the pit of my world, no one is there for me telling me not to cry. This is the fact and cold fact about life.

My life is in a complete mess. I really couldn't understand how could someone hurt someone so badly that makes me could hardly breathe and so miserable? Doing the things that you like and not even bother about how I could feel? But it's really amazing that how much sadness and pain a human heart can take. In the past, I always think that ppl with suicidal thoughts are useless and dumb.. Actually, suicide is not chosen. It happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain. But fret not, I've promise myself that I will hold on for another day, hour, minute, or whatever I can mange. I won't do anything silly.. At least not now..... I don't know whether am I getting used to the pain or what? I rather I can cry out loud at least I'll feel so much better. I think I'm too used to being strong, I've forgotten the feeling of crying out loud for help. I've learn so much from life. To ppl who know me, I may seems like always smiling and laughing on the outside, but honestly, I don't like to displaying any sign of weakness to other ppl, that is why I'm always telling jokes and making ppl laugh. Maybe I know the feeling of sadness and how much it sucks so I don't want to see the ppl ard me to feel this way. I'm always trying my best to make ppl laugh... I keep everything to myself. I don't have the habit of sharing... I don't lie unless I have no other choice. My definition of life is very simple, I just want everyone to be happy. After trying so hard, I really wonder what excatly in life are we fighting for? Maybe we're all just fighting to stay alive. But each day, are we actually living or are we actually dying? For so much I've done, I don't feel a single bit of being appreciated and approval. Instead I feel very worthless and useless... Tell me, what should I do? Everyone, my family, my friends all expect the best out of me... They just don't know how much I'm holding inside me. If I do this, I'm wrong. If I do that, I'm still wrong. Nothing is right. Tell me what should I do? And slowly, I've this thinking everyone hates me. Everyone, my friend, family, and even strangers... I don't knw why I've having this feeling but I really feel this way and this feeling is taking me away. I really hope I can fade away from life. I have no idea what to feel..... I don't excatly hate my life, I just hate what I'm going through right now...

I really need to do pick myself up and find myself back. I need to find a way out. I think I'm going crazy and I think I really need to see a psychiatrist...... Fuck depression.

Labels: Depression