Dear Life,

I feel alot for the pass few days. It’s like… I’m sink into this dark hole, can’t get out.. I feel so helpless, useless and hopeless…. And I wish I never exist. I don’t know whether I have depression or I’m just thinking too much? But all these shit is killing me and making me losing myself. I’ve even thought of ending my life, because I’m at my wits end. Each day living, is a torturing for me, I feel that maybe I’m better off dead. I skip school for 3 days. Because I really have no strength to fake a smile. I’m tired of pretending and faking everything’s okay when everything is not okay. I drowned my troubles in alcohol and smoke my life away for the pass 1 week. I’m really tired of putting on this mask to the whole world…. Everyone expect too much from me.. Most of all, I, expect the most out of myself. For whatever I’ve done, I think I’ve done my best. But no one will agree with me. And everything that happen just makes me feel so useless.

First time in my entire life, I cry in front of people. I had a fucking breakdown at work last Wednesday. And I really hate crying in front of people, I hate to show the world the vulnerable side of me and any sign of weakness. I’m the type of girl, who suffer in silence, don’t cry in front of people, smile despite how shitty things are, always put you before me, leave my phone on at night just in case someone needs me. It’s because I love everyone else more than I could ever love myself. Pathetic isn’t it? But no matter how much I hate crying, I still have to admit that crying really does makes me feel better.. At least, after I cry, I feel so much better… I regain a little bit of my energy to carry on pretending…

And many people asked me, “Why do I look so sad?”, “Why do I look so tired?”, “Am I okay?”, “Don’t think so much.”.. How can I not think? When everyday, I’m facing it. Yes, I’m so mentally tired, exhaust. At times, I really wish that I can die. But what happen after I die? Will people acknowledge or approve of me? No. They’ll just think that I’m a selfish and useless crap. If only I could fade away or disappear. I don’t want to face the world in this state. Most of my friends see me as “strong”, “mighty”, “invincible”. But have they ever wonder, how does it really feels like to be strong, might and invincible? Afterrall, I’m only a human being. If I have a choice, do you think I want to be strong, mighty or even invincible? No. Because I don’t have a choice, being strong, mighty and invincible is tiring….. Very.

Honestly, I really appreciate the people ard me. My friends, family.. They’ve been encouraging me and never give up on me despite how much I shut myself against them.. And I promise I’ll never do anything silly, at least not now yet. I’m still hang on and be strong. But at the same time, I’m so scare, so scare of people getting close to me and comfort me. I’m scare that I might forget the feeling of being fearless, invincible and independent. I don’t want it to be like this, I don’t want to lose my guard and break my walls. That is the reason why I choose to shut myself to people that tried to get close to me. I’m tired of people leaving my life. I just want to feel that I’m important to someone. Just someone. At least I feel that I’m not worthless…..

After a long week of internal mental battle I have, I’m really exhaust. I need to pick myself up and find myself back. I need to find back my strength to continue to pretend, because pretending has already become a part of me….

Note to self #1: Learn to love and treat myself better

Labels: misery