I think I've lost my priority in life. I don't know what's more important? Studies? Money? Family? Friends?

I posted this on facebook ytd night... And one of my friend commented... " where's 'Myself?' " This instantly make me realise that... For all the things I've done... I never really think and care about myself. And I really wonder, after so long... Have I really live for myself? Or I'm living for others? I really don't know. And that 2 short word made me tear..... I don't know why I tear.. But I just feel like crying.. I think I've reach my limits. I don't think I can hold on anymore. Because I've been keeping too much for the past 2 years. Can you imagine for the past 2 years, I've been hiding my emotions and feelings... No matter how hard things are, how many pressure is weighing on me, how breathless I'm feeling or how stress is everything... I just keep quiet. I choose not to show it out, not because I have no feeling, but because I don't want people to worry about me. I don't mind feeling so tired, I don't mind feeling unhappy, I don't mind feeling misunderstood, I don't mind about myself, I really don't mind. I just hope that one day, everything will come in place, my effort will be paid off and that this family is still like a family... The day my mum be back and my sister is safe. But sadly, my sister don't understand how I feel and how much pressure I'm facing. I really really have no idea how to handle and face her anymore. I think I'm too scare to get hurt. For all the things I've done.. I always wonder, why am I the only one caring so much? Why must I do everything? Why must I feel so much? Why must I feel so sad over everything? Why? Simple... It's because of the word, family..

During past few days of CNY, I really felt so carefree. As in, nobody really bomb my phone asking me and telling me so many things. And that few day, I really felt so happy. Happy because I don't have to worry and cry myself to slp everyday... Happy because no one really ask me about how am I? How is my mum, how is the family. Happy because I don't need to go through everything again when I'm trying so hard to forget everything. But this is only temporary... I really miss who I was. I miss the old me, even thought I wasn't that great of a person in all seriousness, but I was happier than I am.. Just what I thought I'm happy with my life... Again, things starts to fall apart... And then it makes me wonder do I really don't deserve to be happy? If only this happiness can last me for a week... I try to run and hide.. But no matter how hard I try to run away from everything, it will still come running after me, haunting me everyday. I feel so helpless.... Like everything is pushing me to an end.. I just wish to jump down and die and forget about all the pain. Remember, I am only human.................................................... There's a limit to all the pain.

Labels: human