How time flies.... 3 years just pass like that. Yes, amazingly fast.. I feel like it's just ytd that I've entered poly and now I've graduated from NYP. Can't really believe that I've actually graduated... I still rmb that during year 1 and 2, every time during the graduation period, I walk pass the sch auditorium, I always think inside my heart... Will I be able to wear this gown and graduate from NYP also? And yes, finally it's my turn now! It's something to be happy about. Yes, I'm really happy that day. I would be happier if only my mum is there to witness me taking my diploma. That day, many of my friends told me that I looked different and I've changed. Yes, I've really changed.... And I've made a decision on the day I graduate too... A decision and a promise that I made to myself....... I don't know if anyone ever notice, I seldom make a promise to anyone because I know it's hard to keep a promise. But if I ever make a promise to whoever, I'll keep it. That's why I only make a promise when I'm confident and ready about it.

I'm not who I was before. This 2 years, so many things happen. I've really learn and grow up a lot. Maturity is not about the age, it's about how you handle the things in life. I've feel too much in life, so much that I can't find any words to describe how I really feel and I think that nobody can really understand how I truly feel unless they have been through what I've gone through.... I've changed, I've learn to accept and live in reality. I know many people are very curious about what happen to my mum or why am I always so miserable? I don't understand why do people always like to ask so much about other people's life? Not like they genuinely care about my life or how I feel. They just want to satisfy their own curiosity. At the end of the day, nobody is going to be there for me, only myself. Yes, I'll share my life story with some people, but I'll still keep a part of it to myself because I'll never open fully to anyone in my life. Impossible, I just can't do that.

I grow up in a completely messy and single parent family. I smoke, I drink and have tattoo, but that doesn't mean that I'm a bad girl or ah lian. Stop the stereotype, pls. For those who know me, they know what kind of person I'm. For those who don't know me, take time to know me before you judge me or just stfu. But I work hard for what I want and I treat my parents with respect. I respect them, even though how much I hate my father, at the very least, I still respect him. Maybe not as a father because he has not done anything that a father should do. But I respect him as a human, as someone older than me. Because of so many things that is going on right now, I'm bring forced to accept the things that I don't want to accept. I'm being forced to shoulder everything. And because of all this, I've learned and grow up. I thank all this life experience that I have that made me who I am today. You will never know how sucks it is to feel so lost about your life and no one that to guide you through your darkest period in life.

I'm not that kind of ah lian that doesn't work and only get money from parents, I'm not that kind of ah lian that doesn't sch or skip sch everyday and only know how to spam vulgarities. Yes, I still do scold vulgarities when I'm really pissed off, but not to the extend that I add them before every sentence I speak. Yes, I smoke, but I never encourage any of my friends to try it before. And I smoke because I feel very stress about my life. I did stop smoking but life sucks, and I got back to smoking. And yes, I have tattoos. And whatever I do to my body, I asked my mum's permission before I ink. She agree to let me ink and so I went ahead. If she doesn't allow, I will not ink. I respect my mum very much. And people will ask why my mum allows me to tattoo? Well, because I really did a lot to gain my mum's trust. She is like my best friend. She knows why I want to tattoo. My very first tattoo, was the word "Peace" on my left wrist. She asked my why do I tattoo the word "Peace"? I told her, I always hope for Peace in our family, Peace in myself and Peace in her. She was stunned for a moment and then she told me, she never thought that I would tattoo "Peace". Yes, I drink and in fact, I love to drink. Because drinking makes me feel happy and carefree. Like all my problems is gone for that moment... But I know that drinking can't solve anything, but nobody really understand how much stress I'm facing everyday. And for all the things I've done, there is always a reason behind it. Why can't people just think of the reason instead of just judging me on with their own thoughts?

In my entire life, I've tried so hard to be what people wants me to be. I always put you before me. I always sacrifice so many things for my family. I'm really tired of being like this. I want to be myself. I want to be happy. I want to live for myself. I want someone to be afraid of losing me. At least for once. This 2 years, I really feel so much. Last year December, I really wanted to end my life and just let go of everything. There are just too much for me to handle. But at the same time, I just couldn't let go of everything. And thankfully, I've hold on and all this shit have made me who I am today. For the pass 1 month, I've been struggling and thinking a lot about my life. Do I really want to lead this life? Do I really want to be miserable forever? No, I don't want. But I just couldn't help but feel miserable every once in a while. But I'm trying to be more happy and less miserable already. Everyone has to breakdown once in a while to be stronger. You need to feel miserable first, in order to taste real happiness. 2 months, give me 2 months..... I'm going to do it. This is the promise to myself. I've accepted reality.

And lastly, mum....This is for you. I hope that I do you proud.

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