Have you ever experience a sudden change overnight that force you to become mature and accept everything even when you're not ready? If you've not, you won't know how much and how hard I've been fighting against myself for the whole 12 months. I feel useless, and hate myself so much, because I could not accept the things that is being throw to me so suddenly. I couldn't manage and balance my life between work, school, family and friends. I feel so lost. And my sister, my father and my promise to my mum make me struggle even more. And it took me almost a year to accept and face everything, picking myself up and start to get normal again. All those mental battle against depression really sucks big time. Even till now, I'm still scare of the feeling, scare of depression coming back to haunt me. It's really like living in misery every day. And those thoughts is so scary that they've turn me into someone who I don't even know. It's really like you're fighting every day to stay alive because it hurts so much to stay alive with all the heartache that is hurting me everyday. And the pain is unbearable to the point that I feel that the only way to set myself free is to die or do hurtful things to myself to stop this heartache. So, I began to drink and smoke everyday.... And slowly I start to hurt myself just to ease my heartache. And I would feel so much better after I hurt myself physically. I feel that the pain is transfer to my body, And honestly if now you ask me to hurt myself again, I don't think I have the courage to do it again.... I guess depression really makes you turn into a monster. But thankfully, at the worst time of my life, my aunt came in and help me up.
I still remember before my whole life came tumbling down, I'm also just like other teenage girls, going out with friends, shopping, doing all the things that a teenager should do. But one day, everything changed, my whole life changed. Having to accept the fact that something happen to my mum and she is not being able to come back to us for years and having to accept staying with my father. It's a torture. Because since young, my memory of my father is very little. And all the memory of my father is all negative and painful memory. Thanks to him, my childhood is filled with horrifying images of him beating my mum and us. I really hate my father. He is the one that brought so much misery and pain to us, to my mother. My mum has tried to commit suicide few times because of him. And he spend half of his life behind the bars. I really hate him for causing so much pain to mum. He has never done his part as a father at all. All he knows is gamble and drugs. A leopard will never change its spots. And the past 1 year living with him only makes me feel even more inferior and hating myself more. He is just so good at making me feeling useless, and he is those unreasonable father. He have never trust me and listen to me at all. All he knows is to scold me, compare me to other people. He have never appreciate me and think about how much I've contribute to the family before. I hate him. He is the one that cause to have phobia of married life. That's why I always told people I don't want to get married. Or maybe don't dare.....
My life become so much better after my father move back to his own place and putting my sister into children home. At least I feel less burden. I hope that one day my sister will read my blog and understand why I did everything. I just want her to be good and know how to take care of herself. Putting my sister into the children home really hurts me so much and I've gone through so much struggle to come to this decision. I know she is going to hate me for being so cruel to her. I hate myself too. But it's for her own good, one day when she come to realize all our intention, she will understand. Despite all her rebellious act and how much she've done to hurt me, I still want to thank her all everything she've done and put me through so much struggle. No, I don't despise her. But I want to thank her and I want to thank everything that happen in my life, everything that bring me down and hurt me. Because everything that happen made me that much stronger now. At least now whenever I read back my past, I feel relieve. Relieve that I've been through so much and still being able to come thus far. Every time I feel upset or feel like giving up, I'll read my past.... And then it will give me the will to carry on and hold everything together. Because after so much I've been through, I believe nothing can ever bring me down again. I can do it, just hang in there and take one step at a time.......
Arena, you can do it. Have faith in yourself. You've already gone so far.... And you're still doing great. For all the people who have never give up on me, I'll always hang on. For you all and for my mum.
Xoxo.
Labels: Personal
Withlotsoflove,
I speak L♥VE @ 2:54 AM
