Sometimes I feel like deleting away this space but sometimes I feel like keeping this space here reminds me of how strong of a person I've become and how my emotions lead me to who I am today. It's really amazing.... Amazing that I've gone through so many emotions. I guess that not many would believe that I've suicide thoughts around half a year ago, and not many knows that how much terrible things I've done to myself. After so many things that has happen, I really think that I've become a stronger person. I've really really really learn to let go, no matter how much it hurts, but somethings letting go is the only way to save a person. I hope that someday, my sister and brother will came to realise that whatever decision I've made today, it hurts me a lot too. But I want them to be good.

From the past till now, I dare to say that I've really become more tough and stronger. For those who know me, they know that I used to be a very soft-hearted person on the inside. Yes, my mouth might be nasty but whenever sometimes needs me or in terms of any help, I will definitely help. Yes, this is how stupid I'm last time. And time after time, after so many times of putting my heart and soul for people, they just teaches me to be more and more of a heartless person. No, not because I don't care, it's because I've learn to protect myself. I can't be stupid forever. Because every time I care, they just hurt me even more. Eventually, I'm sick and tired of it too. So, why should I care?

Ever since I've learn to be more heartless, life is so much easier. Because you don't have to care so much about anything anymore. Life is so great.. And sometimes, this peacefulness might not be a good thing. Because being heartless feels scary. I really think that in life, yes, ghost are scary... But I think that the real scary thing is human, or rather ourselves. I think that our biggest enemy is ourselves. Everyday we fought with our inner self. Some times, I can't help but wonder, what if I never do this, what would happen? Everyday, all the "what-if" just keeps on haunting me. It's like, you want to do this, but your mind stops you from doing this. Because you know it's wrong..... Some times, I wish that I'm all alone. As in, really alone, don't have any sibling, nothing. Just all by myself. Maybe I couldn't have so much worries and troubles. Then I can do the things I wanted to do. Afraid to try yet afraid of falling. I really wanted to pursuit my dreams, but there so too many things hindering me. Right now, I'm stuck in the middle of whether to move on or to wait. I don't want to live my life in regrets again. Because living life in regret.... It's a very miserable thing. Once is enough.

Sometimes, I hate myself. Hate myself for being so useless and helpless. There are so many things I wanted to do, yet I can't do anything. This kind of feelings is eating me up. Sighs, Life is just so perplex yet ironic.....

Labels: ironic